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Entry breakin up
Posted by hikari_brite on May 30 2008, 05:55 PM
we broke up.

1 yr, 5 mths & 21 days.

it has always been a curse.
when i think that things are going so well, when i think that our r/s is impermeable by any sorts of destructive influence, when i think that she loves me too much to give me up.

i never dare to sink myself in total bliss of anything positive.
when things start to get too well for me, i know bigger, worse things are gonna happen.

so it has happened.

i did not cry.
not yet.
coz i don't wanna look like an emotional idiot sitting behind a computer with red runny nose and bulging bloodshot eyes while my colleagues open a betting table next door on whether i'll go kill myself.

being alive as a human being is the biggest punishment any Gods can give.

i get to feel the pangs of hunger when i run out of food.
i start to yearn for better, higher quality food when i taste it.
i don't always get the chance or have the financial ability to enjoy the luxury.

i fall down and i feel pain.
i am fascinated by the blood flowing. my blood.
i hafta stop the bleeding as i poke at the wound.

i get my first taste of music.
soft, pleasant to my ears.
but i get sick of the music and start looking for newer ones.
there are too many, i realised.

i get to spend dozens of years with people i call 'family'... the woman who gave birth to me, the man who made it possible, the other woman who came from the same womb but we never got close until we both grew up...
those people whom i am so close to and my only abode when things go wrong will one day leave me, one after another.
their souls hooked and repossessed by the very God who gave us life and the chance to be a family during this lifetime.
death is a painful torture for every human being.
the pain of not dying but to see your loved ones... die.

i have to work like any1 else.
i work hard to earn my keeps.
it doesn't matter how sick of my job i am coz i have a job. i am self-sufficient.
i don't beg, steal, rob or cheat.
i am proud of that.

being outta love is painful.
it doesn't hurt like death.
but it cuts away a piece of my heart everytime a r/s ends.
my heart never grows back. it survives on the remnants of the previous r/s until there aren't any left, anymore.
the punishment for being human is being able to feel,
to hate and fill your heart with poison,
to sing and be out of tune,
to jump but fall,
to run but trip,
to love but get dumped,
to have all senses but they work against you one way or the other.
you taste but the food's sour
you see but she's not there
you touch but it's not her hand
you speak but she's not listening
you breathe but it's not her smell...

love is like a huge hole in the ground.
i try to avoid it by jumping over, walking round, stopping short...
but i always fall in.
even when danger signs are put all round it, i become too kaypo and bend over to see.
i fall in.
damn the hole.
i shall find some cement to fill it up.

Entry hilltop
Posted by hikari_brite on May 22 2008, 06:00 PM
i don't know what i'll do on my evenings w/o training at hilltop.

when i 1st started, i was asking myself constantly,
'wtf am i doing here, torturing myself, when i can relax over beer with my frens aft a hard day's work?'

i could not even complete 1 set of run w/o feeling sick/ exhausted/ dejected/ embarrassed.
years of smoking, drinking, binding & sittin on my ass in the office has made my body a total wreck.

my gf managed to convince me to join her at hilltop for some training and i felt totally lost on my 1st day. altho she had taught me some basics to not make a complete idiot outta myself, i felt so inferior in the aspects of stamina and technique.

now...?
i can complete 3 sets of run during non-slacking days tongue.gif

SLACK as in the fact that i like to run slowly, enjoy the scenery, skip less, less sit-ups and push-ups, shadow for a shorter time, walk ard, quickly shadow a bit when shifu happens to turn my way. but sometimes, shifu manages to get me when i sit down to rest or go for a drink.

his routine is murderous.

his 'punch' 'punch' 'kick' 'block' is enough to kill me.

he will hold up the pads, tell me to hit harder, faster... den BLOCK! but by the time i realise it, he has already hit me at least twice, not hard enough to KO me, but enough to see stars and birds.

BUT nothing beats a torturous routine from shifu as he will push me to my limits and make me kick and punch so hard i will not have any strength left to walk back to my 2 litres of ice mountain after that.

on slacking days, i have to drag myself up hilltop to train. but once i start to run, i will not be satisfied if my t-shirt isn't soaked thoroughly with my perspiration.
there are many newbies on hilltop nowadays. some of them are eager to learn and keep fit but look real funny while they try to shadow box on their own.

many just wanna be 'fighters'.

'fighters' to us, are not street fighters who beat the crap outta strangers for some staring incidents.
'fighters' are the really capable ones who are selected to be in the fighter squad to represent our 'hilltop' in competitions.

some1 asked me if i wanna become a fighter...
they must be kidding me. or perhaps they have beared witness to my non-slacking days.

i told them i dare not think of it unless i have trained for at least 3 yrs and i can still be left standing aft shifu's done wif me on his own timing.
depending on shifu's mood, he would guide us on self-defense and keeps urging us to 'block our handsome face'.
i heard from some really senior guys that we're all having a very relaxed time nowadays. shifu used to be very strict and his routine could make newbies puke their guts out.

his jokes are really funny and some new guy mentioned to me that altho he's heard them a hundred times, they nvr fail to make him laugh all over again. which, the sudden realization dawned upon me, is true.

'learn muaythai from shifu! not english! u learn my english DIE!'
'girls can knee 'under the ball ball' but guys CANNOT!'
'when u're not confident enuf, kick and run! den u can call ur frens & say u RETREAT!'
'make noise when u punch & kick! dun keep quiet! go BAM, OOSH, HAH, O-EH! but dun go ~ah..ah..~ (sounds of having sex)'
that can really crack us all up.

i am really glad i found hilltop now.
if i had gone there to train maybe 10 yrs back, i would have quitted on my 1st lesson. i used to be irresponsible, lazy, scared of commitment and i was a quitter.

my gf doesn't join me at hilltop very often nowadays. i tot i would stop going if she does. but something pushes me there every mon, wed, fri & sat. i don't know wat to do on my evenings w/o going there.

i made many frens there & we always haf hellava time despite being tired and dirty and sweaty.

hilltop is a war memorial for the dead soldiers during ww2. we dun haf a real toilet, changing room or punch bags like those normal gyms. shifu brings pads for us to train wif. he fills his car boot full of pads and equipment. when it rains, we train in the rain. if it's a stifling warm evening, we would just drink more water and see more half naked bodies glistening wif sweat. we bring our own skipping ropes, run barefoot on the tarmac ground till we get blisters under our feet. be 'food' for mosquitoes. watch monkeys run around the place...
the list goes on.
the simplicity keeps bringing me back for more.

shifu: everybody COME DOWN!!
we all throw watever things we're doing
shifu: together!
us: hilltop muaythai YEAH!
shifu: alright everybody, i wish u all good luck and pocket LOTS OF MONEY! chok dee!
us: khaap khoon khap!

Entry tamally maak
Posted by hikari_brite on May 20 2008, 11:23 PM
i love the song 'tamally maak' by amr diab.

its kinda old, come to think of it... but when i 1st heard it in my buddha bar collection, i was overwhelmed by it. altho it's in arabic and i didn't understand a word of it, i felt it crush my heart with the yearning of love.

after going thru the translated lyrics, i knew i felt it just the way the song wanted me to feel. i had experienced, for the 1st time, music without language.



Entry bitch slappin'
Posted by hikari_brite on May 17 2008, 10:12 AM
i wanna bitch slap my other boss

she's the kinda person who'd be very friendly and easy-going in front of you, until u let your guard down and she'll come back stab/ spear/ arrow and chew u into tiny lil morsels.

top of that, her sales team hasn't any sales for the past 3 weeks.

i'd rather have 10 bosses who can't say 'Randy' properly than a single bitch in my office. i can still teach my other boss how to pronounce 'Randy'... even 'Pamela Anderson' if i feel like it. but how do i tell a bitch to stop bitchin??

she's not even qualified to receive a simple punch in the face from me. no bitches deserve that.
they need to be pushed to the floor, the attacker sittin on top and bitch slap them till they can't open their mouth to apologize and beg for mercy.
just thinkin of that gives me an adrenalin rush.
my hands cant stop twitchin.

Entry daydreaming...
Posted by hikari_brite on May 2 2008, 05:40 PM
i wanna beat the hell outta my boss. mad.gif

he's the kinda person who cannot even pronounce 'Randy' properly...
besides a million other things he's not capable of doing.


Entry i'm just friggin bored
Posted by hikari_brite on Apr 30 2008, 05:02 PM
i am ancient.
i am rediscovering party and club herstory.
i remember 'children of the moon'.
i remember how i utterly had to go to every friggin girls' party, get myself hopelessly drunk and held a girl's hand while on the dancefloor under her gf's nose. retribution came when i got knocked ard a bit but it was much more fun while she still had her gf.
so many things from the past are emerging from my brain.
am i gonna die soon???
I AM OLD.
ppl ask my gf what's our age gap.
11 yrs.
i told her its ok to lie.
she thinks likewise.
it's a case of honesty is NOT the best policy for me.
my nature of work frowns upon honesty. even my gf doubts me when i speak the truth. she said 'agents are all liars'.
i've heard her conversations b4...
stranger: "is your gf much older??"
gf: "yup"
stranger: "wow"
gf: "yup"
behind the stranger, she told me it's ok as long as i'm good in bed. 19 yr olds have hearty appetites.
i wished she'd say other things besides 'yup'.
my version goes like this:
stranger: "is your gf much younger?"
me: "yup"
stranger: "wow"
me: "i don't have a prob with that. do you??"

predators do not kill for fun.
it's a form of survival.
it's their way of life, their source of food, the hunger for a good adrenaline rush before a big meal.
there are still 5 hrs before i can get a decent dinner, which is after work and after training. my shifu's personal training will go on for another 2 wednesdays. i told my gf that wednesdays are lazy days and we shld be lazy and train half of what we normally do.
which is half the reason why i'm updating a blog in my office right now.

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