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hikari_brite's Blog

not good

it was bad...
it was a supposedly happy day.

saw kimchi 3 days in a row,
watched her race,
saw the gleam in her eyes when she was told that they were placed third in the race,
she was the first person to bbm me for some mornings just to talk nonsense,
went to my hs to shower on the 1st day of her race,
and all the while we have never gotten together so much even when we started hanging out as the kias.

but still, somehow, i cried when i heard a song down at sky.

scared the shit outta bff coz she'd never seen me cry.

i am afraid of the day when kimchi starts dating someone.

during dinner on saturday, kimchi n i argued over some funny stuff n she said she wont date me coz im so much older.
i retorted that i wldnt date her as well coz her mouth is so foul n i'd prolly punch her all the time if we did date.
then she asked me if i thought she'd just stand there n let me punch ( i know she wldnt!)
n all the while, montkia n qq buried their faces in their rice n snorted while ah ni rolled her eyes n prolly sniggered to death in her mind.

they all know i want nothing else in this world other than to date that stupid idiot.

i feel like sucha hypocrite.
i told her we're lucky we dont have complications like other cliques which eventually break apart when they start falling in n out of love with each other (she replied "of coz la! our clique 5 ppl fall what sia?!),
everytime we hang out i sneak glances at her n pretended that i dont give a damn about her,
everytime we meet up, i'd change my bb's screen to our kias' family photo instead of the photo of just the 2 of us (she enjoys picking up n playing ard with my bb whenever she feels like it),
everytime we sit puffing away n chatting in the car, we talk about how annoying girly girls are n how we'd absolutely kill each other if we dated (she can kill me i dont care, as long as she dates me!) n how i told her the person she dates will prolly get tortured to death (torture me!)... all the while, i just wanted to throw it all out at her n confess about how i feel.

seeing her, so young, so full of funny ideas, so full of ambitions, makes me think i've accomplished absolutely nothing to make her see anything good in me.

im just sitting here,
waiting for the day to come when i'll be reduced to nothing.

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