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Entry so yea..
Posted by julio on May 4 2011, 10:57 PM

been ages since i last login fridae.
been ages since i last hearted someone.

tonight i did.
and i saw u in her friend list.
fml.
=.=

then i saw u in my friend list.
how ironic.
fml.
=.=

so yea..

how are u..
3 simple words but i really can't find the courage to text u.

somehow somewhat, i stopped grieving for u even thou i still love u.
i felt the need to stop after hearing my mummy's words.

"son, i don't know how to make u feel better. don't sad le. mummy promise to dote on u doubly ok?"

it's unfair to seek solace from my mummy every single time i'm hurt over u.
it's unfair to make her worry & heartache me.
it's unfair to make her love me doubly just because u are no longer by my side.

it makes me feel utterly unfilial.

so yea..


Entry for my dearest dearest mummy
Posted by julio on Feb 7 2011, 10:44 PM

have been wanting to write this entry since a long long time.
for my dearest dearest mummy.

my mummy texted me that she saw my ex recently.
"She really... Cmi... My son sure can get a better wife."

*laughs*

i really can't thank my mummy enough for everything she had done for me all these yrs. standing by my side and always there whenever i need a listening ear/shoulder. seriously, no amt of thanks is enough. cleared my inbox recently and saw all the warm sweet funny texts from her, i was overwhelmed with emotions.

mummy has nv given up on me no matter how hopeless i am.
her constant undying concern, comfort and love. my pillar of support. that's why i'm still surviving today. the only time that she almost gave up on me, was when i insisted on falling for rascal. mummy almost disowned me. xia si wo le! she told me she can't stand seeing me knowingly hurting myself that way. gong's right. mummy dislikes anyone who bullies me. except for tyrant (her ideal daughter-in-law) =.=

the times i loitered outside emo for my diff girls. she asked me to go home coz it's cold outside and she worried i might do silly things.
the times i wasted myself by cigs, drinks and self abuse. she wanted me to stop it coz she heartache me.
the times i needed someone to rely on and found no one. she told me no matter what, i still have her as my mummy.
the times i was so sick almost dying. she texted me everyday to take my med and be positive.
the COUNTLESS times i emo abt rascal, esp the incident 1yr+ back. she hears my same old rants and counselled me.
the times when almost everyone betrayed & left me, she remains by my side being sincere to me.
the times i was a good-for-nothing, she tells me not to belittle myself and i'm great.
the times i made her disappointed & upset with all my nonsense, she still tolerated and stays by my side.
the times i shld take care of her coz i'm older. yet she's always the one who takes care of me.
so much so much more.

because i can nv keep geminis by my side. i always fear losing my mummy. esp when so-and-so left me. i was alr maimed for life.
mummy, maybe you will get to read this someday.
i just wanna say i really wanna be your son for life. and like you always told me.
"yao guai ok, be good boy"
i will be your good boy. i will learn to grow up and be less emo.
no matter how long our affinity last, i don't regret being your son. i'm very thankful & blessed being yours.

mummy, wo ai ni!!


Entry thanks
Posted by julio on Feb 5 2011, 04:39 AM

for that one second, i felt the old you.
for that one second, i felt the old warmth.
for that one second, i felt contented, i ought to.

thanks..

even thou it means nth to you and i mean nth to you, but, i guessed it's enough.

it doesn't change anything but just let me be.



for the longest time, yea..


Entry 当我知道你们相爱
Posted by julio on Jan 22 2011, 12:25 AM

我的心底泛起许多无奈..

the 1st time, i let it go.
the 2nd time, i still let it go......
today the 3rd time, i snapped. totally.

i was foolish enough to work extra hours just to make sure we can meet up next week.
i was foolish enough to worry for u when i see ur emo posts.
i was foolish enough to wanna be there for u & let u know u are nv alone.

foolish enough....
time to stop.


if being with her makes you happier, go ahead.
i'm prepared to throw away the present.
like u've said "y bother"

my exact sentiments now.






在 你 心 里, 我 永 远 都 比 不 上 alex . . .

我 认 了


Entry remorse
Posted by julio on Jan 6 2011, 11:02 PM

didn't wanna communicate with anyone since i've been living in seclusion for a while.
partly because i was too bogged down by work.
partly because i know no matter how hard i try, it will nv suffice.
partly because i cannot rewrite our story as much as i've been dying to.
partly because i don't even know what i'm doing anymore.
partly because i cannot even be myself.
partly well whatever fuk la..

i hate this constricted feel. really.

i hate to live behind facade & remorse.

i told tyrant before, "tired is a feeling that's much better than pain"

now i feel..





pain is a feeling that's much better than remorse..

Entry have to be
Posted by julio on May 23 2010, 01:12 AM
me: its ok. u are sooo right. why let her hurt me again wtf so tong wtf. why. yes ccb
mummy: if can, everything just keep a very safe dist, as long as it dont hurts
me: it hurts no matter what, isnt it? it doesnt make a diff
mummy: no. at some dist it doesnt hurt but its difficult t find the right balance btw the dist and hurt
me: i guess its jus difficult to find someone like her, nv anymore


过去曾让你笑得很甜
不代表有权利要你纠结
虽然遗憾爱情也有它的季节
风不能吹就作最潇洒的落叶


it doesn't hurt when you are good at pretences, i'll be good, i have to be..

fuk the fukin hurt

Entry rule of thumb
Posted by julio on May 13 2010, 11:36 PM
i was delighted and touched by laogong's texts. she always has this amazing ability to make me happy, thanks gong i lub you loads..

however later on, texting with dearie changed everything..
missing her sux a great deal..
seeing you online is the final push factor..

ill always be the second best. im never good enough for you. am i?
face it, i said face it..

i keep looking at dearie's texts, and i just felt the urge to cry because i'm going through what she's going through..

"things that i would never be entitled"
"it feels like i am giving her away with my own hands"

i looked at my reply to her, i felt even more saded..

"even if entitled, it may not last. happiness doesn't last as long as misery"

one trick to finding happiness is learning to want the right things..
forever in my life, i'm always wanting the wrong things the wrong people..

i have been trying so hard, really hard. but you do not see it. then what's the point?
i should just learn to be like laogong. be a man of limited emotions..

rule of thumb: "fuk it all la"

YES..

FUK IT ALL LA!


Entry abra-ca-dabra
Posted by julio on May 9 2010, 12:23 AM
laogong was telling me about the girl named A in her hp address book..
i pretended to be jealous and upset..

laogong: you should have a name that starts with A too, so that you can be on top of my address book as well..
me: alexius? alexis? ale?
laogong: that's so common and copycat..
me: =.= i can't possibly call myself alex what!
laogong: abel?
me: no... i don't wanna be the fitness workout thingy..
laogong: abraham?
me: no... i don't wanna be a president..
laogong: ahhh.. abra-ca-dabra!
me: ............

that's how i got my new name from my idiot laogong=.=

*

(queuing to buy movie tickets)

laogong: hey he looks like fee!
me: who??
laogong: *pointing at "Killers" movie poster*
me: wow! Ashton Kutcher's hot!!
laogong: fee's hot!!
me: how can you say that infront of your laopo??
laogong: but fee's hot!
me: but i'm your laopo!
laogong: but fee's hot!!!
me: but i'm your laopo!!!!!!!!!
laogong: but fee's really hot!!!!!!!!!!
me: -_____________________________- go and die

*

(sitting outside cinema)

me: gong.. what time does the movie end?
laogong: *silence*
me: oi... how long is the duration??
laogong: *silence*
me: are you alive?
laogong: yes..?
me: did you say yes?
laogong: no?!
me: then what did you say????
laogong: yes!!

both of us LOL like mad..
............

*

(in foodcourt)

me: do you know what am i thinking?
laogong: kissing me?
me: -_____________________________- why and how on earth did you derive at that?
laogong: because you have been wanting to kiss me..
me: did i?? how come i didn't know??
laogong: yes you did..
me: since when?
laogong: since very long ago...
me: =.=
laogong: so what were you thinking of?
me: kissing you lo..
laogong: ............

*

(in the restaurant)

laogong: hey i wanna eat the pizza, the tiramisu, the cream of mushroom, blah blah..
me: *serious tone* gong, if you are gonna put on weight, i'm gonna dump you..
laogong: *sad look* but don't you like volkswagen (beetle)? they are round!
me: erm yes.. but when i go for bungs, i like them to be shou (slim)! when i go for femmes, i like them to be fei (chubby)! and you are a bung!
laogong: ............

Entry cinnamon
Posted by julio on May 3 2010, 12:58 AM
laogong: eh eh did u eat the cinnamon melts at mac?? sibei nice!
me: nope
laogong: its seriously damn nice. totally happy food. if ur upset. should totally try it
me: hmm gong. ur po dun like cinnamon wor =x
laogong: u dont like?? why?? sweet sweet one ma!
me: cinnamon wher gt sweet
laogong: but the one at mac is sibei sweet!
me: i nv eat b4. now giv me dragon meat oso no use
laogong: ........dragon meat is not sweet lar. will not make u happy one
me:........................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
laogong: what..?
me: see herstory later



gong, sometimes you can be really dense, retarded, insensitive, but you are "adorable"..
don't fool around so much behind my back mad.gif
and i wanna see you this coming week i don't care..
*miss you*



Entry ni ming de peng you
Posted by julio on May 1 2010, 10:54 AM
like Katy Perry sings it..

comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection. you said move on, where do i go? i guess second best is all i'll know..

i laugh with my colleagues, my family, my friends, my laogong, and everyone around me. but when mummy talked to me, i told her i have been unhappy all these while..

it felt so ironic..
last time whatever you do, it always bring smiles on my face..
now whatever you do, it just hurts me more & more..

why do i always have to play second fiddle??
wtf is this?!

unlike being with her, she gives me all the priority all the attention all the warmth all the love all the care all the concern all the presence..

do you even know what's the meaning of presence?



只有失去的温柔最温柔
只有失去的拥有最永久


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