BLOG / xjae's blog
 1 2 >
Entry Rising wisp.
Posted by xjae on Dec 6 2011, 12:14 PM
Rise from the ruins,
Take flight.

It's been so long, herstory.

My last entry was when I was still busy nursing a heart broken beyond recognition.

Now please excuse me while I go decorate this new one I've got with sparkles and pretty lights.

Entry Cut.
Posted by xjae on Apr 27 2011, 01:54 PM
In this mishmash.

In this net.

In this tangle.

In this web.

In this fog.

In this mess.

I will stand.

I will find me.

Entry Perfect sky.
Posted by xjae on Apr 27 2011, 01:49 PM
Filled with fluffy white clouds and rainbows.

You have my blessing, I won't shed a tear.
Don't look back.

Find your own. smile.gif

Entry Run, rabbit, run.
Posted by xjae on Feb 15 2011, 09:21 AM
Darn, really?

That is just so... Utterly and unforgivably pathetic.

-laughing- Now I'm feeling grossed out at how emotional that all sounded - pray, no one actually came in here to read that trash yeah? If you read my previous entries and felt that familiar pang of hurt, I do need to apologise for making you feel that way. Now let me talk in a different tone today because being emo is fast becoming a pain in the ass.

No way I'm turning to walk back into the dark. You made your choice to move on and really, it took me a while but I can forgive myself now for choosing to want to as well. I really don't owe you a thing, I mean... Sure, we did have some awesome times but I'm not making you a priority when you just see me as an option (thank you @tumblrsays, I love you for how truthful you are)

No, I'm not ashamed to say it took me over half a year to realize that you treat me like a stand-in girlfriend, only coming over when it's most convenient or when your... 'Bells' are not free. smile.gif I'm thankful that I spent all that time crying and I'm glad that I mopped around all that time cause it just reminded me that I'm not superwoman. I'm a girl too, I'm sensitive, I've got feelings and emotions and there is only so much that I can take.

It showed me that I needed to stop making excuses for your bad treatment of me and get the hell away from you. Yes, all because you made me cry. smile.gif

Oh yes, and this whole thing fished out all my friends from my acquaintances, forced me to get the hell out of my house and mix with those people I've neglected because you said you didn't want me hanging around them. And yes, I have found some who've taken me back in spite of me distancing myself from them because of you - and these people have screamed, chided and wanted to throttle me but their "stoopid girl, don't stupid anymore kay. Tmr go KTB @ katong. Got sch?" at AM1.15 reminds me it's cause they love me and genuinely think that my three year stint with you was the epitome of stupidity.

You can be with your friends, so leave me alone with mine, no seriously.

Blob's pissed at me right now cause I agreed to see you without her coming along (T_T I need to go apologize), S is just a joy to bitch about shit with, DO's my sista from another mother, k's an asshole who thinks with his dick but he's a decent person nonetheless (how that's supposed to happen, I'm not certain), MK's my star, N's hilarious and is always so much fun to be around, cj's someone new but she seems alright to speak to XD and my brother. I'll always have my brother.

I used to think he was an idiot and a selfish bastard and I still do think that way from time to time but when I had no one, who did I have? I had my brother. He knew and would just leave his door unlocked so I'd be able to go in and cry while he msn-ed and watched tv.

"You stupid girl" was his way of saying "I'm here for you, you idiot. Now shut up, change and I'll bring you out."

But back to your girls. Look, they'll be your best friends and your support group so I'm happy for you but they're not me and I certainly am not them.

So run rabbit, run. Run back to the slither.

Entry 28
Posted by xjae on Dec 30 2010, 08:27 AM
the date you left.

and yes, I would very much prefer to avoid the marina bay area altogether cause the... fireworks and... performances would just remind me of everything.

Sorry I'm not as cryptic as I used to be.

I hope you're happy, D - and I say this with nothing but sincerity, don't ask me why I've started wearing our ring again.

Now pardon me while I go nurse my broken heart properly, on my own.

Entry 14
Posted by xjae on Dec 28 2010, 09:18 AM
Suddenly, everything is 14.

Dreamt of D yesterday. I actually dreamt that she called.

But now that I have... It'll never happen. smile.gif


I wrote that entry a couple of days ago. And I even said it out loud. -laughing- And true enough.

I miss you, D. More than you'll ever know. What would have happened if we'd gotten back together? Would we have been happy?

They say that... I should stop making the same mistakes and that I should accept people for who they are and not who they should or could be.

Man, can you believe I'm actually freaking reading up on how to deal with a breakup? This is serious man. I've never had to do shit like this before.

D, I was really serious about you, baby. But what's the point now. -laughing-

Our 14 just got torn apart.

Entry 6
Posted by xjae on Dec 27 2010, 11:05 AM
I've got... Half a dozen unpublished posts.


Half way between you and me.


The place we will never be.


The one number we never could see.


I wish you were still here with me.

I guess I finally understand why I've been breaking down so much. We're mirrors that reflect total opposites of each other.

When I found my footing, you were weak. Now that I've lost mine, you've found yours.

You still seem to think there's something going on between B and me, but there isn't. There never was and there never will be - she's got her own girl and I don't want to be a third party.

I felt myself spiraling down when I found that the one I needed was you, so I called out for you. It was the first time in three times that you didn't wish me Merry Christmas.

You're stronger now and I should be happy for you. You can stand on your own now and you've made up your mind about us. You made a decision smile.gif I'm proud of you.

"I'm already numb, J"

I just wish you didn't decide to make a decision like this.

And again, you've left me when I needed you the most.

Don't tell me to "stay close to god". He took away the one thing that held me to him. There's nothing left to talk about.

Try to understand, J, try to understand. Just try. Don't get mad, just try.

Just swallow it. Just try. Please. Hang in there and just try.

Entry I have a problem.
Posted by xjae on Dec 25 2010, 02:45 AM
Haha, happy christmas, everyone. smile.gif From Jae here.

Man, this is turning out to be the worst Christmas ever.

Got ditched, being haunted, taunted and B's out of the country, couldn't be better right? -laughing-

Man, I actually feel it. The spiral. I'm like... 25% into it? It's a familiar feeling - the same one from my second boyfriend. I wanted to forget so much from that trash that I completely blocked myself out.

I can actually... Feel that I'm becoming unhappy - increasingly unhappy and that's just ridiculous.

Then again. First step's to admit I have a problem right?

Someone once said I'm addicted to pain. Another said I'm too serious and I should start treating every relationship like a fling because it's not worth it - I'm actually starting to believe in that.

The last two times? I got serious? And both times, it got thrown in my face - except maybe I walked out of the first time with more dignity than I did the second.

Guys, also cannot. Girls, also cannot - must I really get to 13?

Entry Bitter Batter
Posted by xjae on Dec 23 2010, 03:44 PM
Was at the baking section of the supermarket when I saw a tub of rainbow sprinkle frosting.

A voice in my head said "She'd love this!" and I found myself reaching for the tub.

Then I remembered, ah. Right. I don't have to bake for her anymore.

Entry TAS2Rs
Posted by xjae on Dec 22 2010, 09:50 AM
Sparkly drops fall fall fall
Clear drops they're all all all
Bubble bubble on my hair
Bubbles bubbles everywhere

Lifting my hands up to my face
I wanted a whiff, not a taste
Whoops, it's in my mouth.
Yuck, bitter.

Have you ever tasted shampoo?

While having my shower yesterday, I accidently tasted shampoo and hated it.

It smelt great but the taste was just disgusting.


Sounds all too familiar.

I'm trying to do something good for myself - wash away all the "badness" and the muck... But then when I let slip the truth behind the sweet fragrance... The bitterness of wasted time sets in,

 1 2 > 


My Blog Links

Last Comments

0 user(s) viewing
0 guest(s)
0 user(s)
0 anonymous user(s)

Search My Blog